Refining Teacher

f you really know me, the highest compliment I can give you is that of the word "teacher."

Whatever I pursue - whether it is exercise, diet, cooking, dating, parenting and ultimately work - I have always gravitated towards those who have done this before.

In Chinese we call this "guo lai ren" - those who have come before us. I have always boasted of a rich repository of practitioners, teachers, experts and mentors.

These days, through completely different sources, a new message has been coming through - "You no longer have mentors. There is no one to consult and research, what you are offering has no precedence. Your unique, completely disparate blend of skillset no longer fits in a tried and true path with precedence. "

I am horrified.

Flailing and ruffling through all my contacts. Reaching and paying for consultations, readings, teachers - only to finally sit with the possibility as my therapist said "What if you are innovating as you go?"

"Not just modality wise, but because you have multiple, disparate modalities and the ability, curiosity and bravery to pivot on the dime and see what is needed ?"

( gulp )

Jeff says that is my superpower; and honestly how I cook, and how I cannot replicate his favorite dish ( to his chagrin ) - they are different every time.

It reminds me of my last year at Apple's Advanced Technology lab with Dan Russell and his words - " We study the user before designing a tool" explaining how the Apple Desktop was born.

It reminds me of my short stint as as adjunct professor at Modesto Junior College, when I would enter a classroom, have the students write their questions on the board and redesign the lesson plan on the fly to match.

It reminds me of translating the skills of addition and reading for Natalie's neurodivergent dyslexic brain.

Finally, I remember myself as a brand new mother, pumping furiously while poring over all the latest infant study research as a newly minted Stanford Education grad. Back then, I heard God saying "You know, you don't have to be an expert on everyone. Just your child. Stop studying the world. Study your child."

So here I am 22 years later, frantically studying the client in front of me. I am playing with the big kids and integrating all my tools, modalities and experiences.

From buzzers to ketamine, Imago to cannabis, to parts work and bilateral stimulations - I am learning to pivot and switch, hone and customize to whatever is in front of me.

In the old days, I used to think expertise was about collecting credentials. 4 degrees and 5 trauma modalities later, I am learning that being an expert is about being willing to "be dumb"; to know nothing;

to return the true skill of attunement: reading your client, trusting your intuition, being willing to study, gather input, stand corrected - and collaborate with every client as the "expert" of their own nervous system and healing journey.

When I think of my old Oracle days - when I used to design a prototype, only to have it be ditched and return to the drawing board.

I am realizing - some things don't change.

Photo: My last attempt at feeling smart - the one pursuit I finally let go of - when they got bought out by Chinese investors; when a professor challenged me as to “What are you doing this for?”